I'll - leads to words of mine. "I" means myself as an individual, I am important, thus I is capitalised.
Love - leads to posts. "Love" in actual fact is just a word, it does not exist in RL =x.
you - leads to links. *YOU* have appeared in my life =)
Forever - leads to tagboard. What really is 'forever'?
Promises - leads to my profile. "Promises" exist to be cherished and believed.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
quite sometime since i last updated le.. and no.. im not gonna close my blog.. its now on conservation =)
hmm.. the holiday period i had lots of fun lor.. actually not really fun also.. hmm.. lol i sort of forgot when i blogged until.. anyway.. fun is not a proper word.. this holiday i spent alot of time mapling, and in search of the watch for Yu Min.. and almost everyday.. breakfast with Leroy.. lol.. lets start with breakfast kk? =) we did have fun having breakfast la.. went to Cheng San market there.. hmm i wonder if its the correct spelling.. Ave 10 AMK market.. so far from our place.. we also went to Thomson prata house.. my old house there.. i ate and had stomach upset.. couldnt go tuition.. actually main reason was i very tired.. that night i didnt sleep =/
brother from malaysia came back also.. had one day of meal.. diao.. i didnt really like it lor.. when i stayed at my old home.. it was.. JUMBO at east coast.. instead of now.. zu cao at nearby coffeeshop =/
anyway.. that week.. i know I missed Yu Min alot.. attempted smsing her and such.. didnt get replies i wanted.. might as well.. maybe she really dun love me le.. i can only wish her good luck.. unless what? use gun force her? she's just too important to me.. i still waiting for a miracle.. i desperately need one..
as for mapling.. its just so-so.. sian liao.. quitting soon most probably.. haha i said this many times le? i want play ludibrium nia.. if not sold le..
btw.. my record for staying awake now is 36 and a half hrs =)) that day lor.. =x
last day of holidays.. that night i didnt sleep too.. then my brother from malaysia caught me awake at 6+.. around thursday.. my dad banned me from comp.. he gave me an allowance till 1am everyday.. i didnt argue cause it was good enough.. i admit i was angry.. lol.. but i didnt get any scolding.. i also dunno if he told my dad.. my mother thought i slept.. cause i pretend.. then when she woke up.. i knew.. i run to bedrm.. then she walk out.. i pretend she woke me up with her loud voice lol..
but i think my dad knew i never sleep.. went out for breakfast with roy.. then.. after that wasted alot of time walking back and such.. till 10++
went home.. browse net abit.. looking for watches shop in Singapore.. did abit of research.. then i smsed Yu Min's sister.. cause i saw a watch of hello kitty.. made up of 0.8 carat diamonds.. 3750 US$ =/
lol.. sms sms then she say they at Orchard.. Min also there.. so i went down lor.. but yea.. couldnt find them.. she said Min wanted to go somewhere else cause she knows i was going down.. after searching for close to 2 hrs i think.. then i gave up le.. i went to AMK..
there also got watch shops mah.. then i also saw pants that i like.. but i went arcade.. played abit.. thrashed everyone LOL.. REALLY EVERYONE.. NOOBOS.. that day i looked like some ah beng who decided to become guai kia.. really.. ah bengs see me also like that only.. i make them fly they also never walk over kbkp.. i look like those.. do very evil things then learn my lesson and such.. =x
then i saw.. top up $20.. free $20.. and then.. thats what i did lor.. haha.. at first i thought go arcade play first then buy my pants.. i spent $20 le.. the rest must keep for my hello kitty watch nia..
went to macdonalds.. and studied there.. alone.. myself.. my sister woke me up nia.. erh.. alex wants to go out with me.. i continue the rest later =x
4:57 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Monday, March 13, 2006
I had a dream of Yu Min.. i dunno.. after that long long post.. i had a dream of Yu Min.. she didnt want to talk to me even in my dream...
i dun even rememeber what time i woke up ytd.. i only know now is 8.15 pm+.. and i have been awake for more than 28 hours.. not tired.. i even went for a 40 minute non-stop jog this morning.. actually i was quite happy this morning while jogging..
right now i am really so hurt.. Yu Min will never give me a chance to clear the misunderstandings le.. im feeling so lost.. she knows i had another account which added her on MSN. she has blocked that account le.. i really dunno how.. my hopes for the watch has been dashed.. but im not giving up.. im still finding it..
i can really quit MS or ANYTHING she asks of me.. oh boy.. i really love her alot.. she doesnt give a damn abt me..
heard the song Kiss Goodbye today.. i dont know the lyrics yet.. i only know 'mei yi ci he ni fen kai'.. i and my Min.. fen kai many times le.. i wish i can hug her.. never to let go..
*just a childish boy embracing that irrealistic dream*
8:17 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Sunday, March 12, 2006
for the past 3 days(Wed, Thurs, Fri).. days after Yu Min and i had our big quarrel.. ever since the time i last blogged till now.. my days have been very unlucky.. I can't believe that only 4 days have passed. T_T im suffering.. it really seemed like an eternity.. back when i did not know Yu Min.. i thought i liked somebody.. but i wasnt suffering.. my life passed fast and happily still..
I don't really remember how suay I was on Wed.. but I think.. early in the morning, my chemistry test was pathetic.. and i was nostalgic during chinese period. Can't remember whether it was Wednesday or Thursday that I slept during English Test, and ended up doing 8 points out of 14 for summary(it really seemed like years ago). Wednesday I quarrelled with my best friend of 11 years, Alex -.- Almost quarrelled with everyone. I wanted to level my maple on that day.. a friend wanted to play my account.. for 2 hours, which was 12% xp.. so i happily allowed him to use my account, but at night when I logged in, left another 8%.. and NO YETI PEPE MAP! SO ITS LIKE 5% AN HR, AND I HAD TO SPEND 1 HR 30 Mins more T_T .. I rather had leveled on my own..
Thursday, I did not understand Maths.. then I was short of 20 cents to buy a drink I wanted to drink.. so i went to the rice store, bought the seaweed chicken or chicken sushi.. supposed to have a dollar change.. but after that i realised i did not have $1 at all.. only 50 cent + 20 cents.. (i had 70 cents all along, i bought $1.20 of food, and paid with the 20 cents i already had.. the drink was 90 cents) the 20 cents was my change.. only then i realised that i might have been scammed by the uncle all along.. because i dont count my change.. i put them straight into my pocket.. suay until in the end i had to borrow 10 cents.. omg.. me..? borrowing money? and 10 cents? =/ in the end i just bought a 70 cents drink and returned the 10 cents.. maybe all these aren't unlucky.. but they are negative things.. and very uncommon nowadays.. the worse thing is.. SOMEONE I DUN LIKE, AND NEVER LOVED, AND NEVER BEEN WITH HER, ditched me.. wtf man.. her name is Yu Ting, someone's whose voice sounded alot like Yu Min's on phone.. since Sunday she already called me.. it was her who wanted to be my friend.. I never met her. Thurs morning and Wed night.. I was told by SoonTian, that she, told him that I was irritating, and wanted me to stop calling her and smsing her.. (i'll get to the point as to how ST got to know her).. omg? wtf? i sms her sometimes at night.. like good night.. she was supposed to be my alarm clock one.. sometimes she sms me.. obviously i reply right? then she can keep miss calling my handphone.. UNTIL I CALL HER BACK. stupid leh..
Friday was the most saddening and most unhappy.. I really really miss Yu Min alot.. school wasn't that good.. was almost late for school. early in the morning dont know why principal wanted to talk to the school.. of course i slept, as usual.. went back to class at 8.30+ .. so left half an hr of Maths.. Samantha, Si Ying and Li Lei.. the 3 female friends who always talk to me nowadays in class.. all of them were not present =/ especially Samantha.. she was going to Hong Kong that day.. and i meant to pass her money to request her to buy a Hello-Kitty watch there on my behalf, meant for Yu Min's birthday gift. I really have to rack my brains now as to how i am going to get my hands on one..
Physics lesson after that, the class was told to stay back after school for chemistry practical.. and i became restless.. great.. my last hope of finding something to do to make me happy, was gone.. so i remained uncomfortable the whole period.. didn't absorb or read ANYTHING regarding Electromagnetic or something.. see.. i dun even know the title..
English time i super pissed with teacher.. she wasnt even treating me like a student.. i bo chup.. i wont go into details.. but i understand her good intentions and the hardwork she has put into teaching us.. and for that i dun plan to let her down..
after school, practical was cancelled.. so i went back home.. played abit.. play until i can die on maple for something stupid and lost my safety charm.. played until i decided that I wanted to go down to Bishan Stadium to watch the sports heats. there was someone I wanted to see.. but didnt get to see her.. I thought i did see that person.. but until now im not sure if that person did go there.. haha but the main reason was because i needed company.. with my classmates of course.. it was fun la.. but i went to buy coke.. but the bottle so sticky.. and i was holding it straight. the liquid still leaked out.. then my hands were filled with coke.. zz after that i walked to Roy's house with some sec 3 girls.. Cheryl, Kai Ling etc. talked alot with Kai Ling.. or relatively alot.. since the journey to his place from the stadium isn't that far. I also disturbed Cheryl and she confessed that she liked Leroy. lol =x i recorded down but Leroy doesnt believe that it was true.. he feels i threatened her or something..
went to find my classmates at J8.. they watching movie, sure i would like to join them.. but something more important was awaiting me.. and that is my dream girl.. Yu Min.. i took a cab down to Pei Hwa Sec.. but the cabby did not know where the place was.. he told me after we were half-way on the journey.. diao.. i told him Serangoon and that I was very sure.. erh paiseh la =x its not my school mah.. luckily he had the book.. and i knew how to read the book.. read it before once last year during July.. so within 20 seconds i got the map he needed.. it was in Seng Kang there =.=
it started raining, and upon reaching my destination, i got off the cab.. the rain was getting heavier.. thank goodness it was for a shortwhile.. I was very very scared, many thoughts were embracing me.. fears of she having left the school, fears of her rejection, fears of her jeers, shy, lost for words, embarrassed, and many more, filled my mind.. i saw the ice cream erh.. stall perhaps? I walked that way.. on my way to walk nearer to the school.. i was filled with emotions.. i almost couldnt control myself..
i saw images.. of my imagination.. of Yu Min, entering the school.. being bullied by that discipline master.. it was very hurting.. then.. i saw someone who looked like Yu Min.. entering a lorry.. why would YM be entering a lorry? i cleaned my spects and see again.. that girl was far-fetched from Min.. maybe cause i was too anxious to see her.. almost everyone looked like Min.. there was a rainbow there also.. opposite the school.. it was beautiful.. i was telling myself.. that when i see Yu Min.. i must tell her that the rainbow is there for us.. every storm, will have a peaceful and beautiful aftermath.
then.. I saw another girl.. this was much after the first incident.. the way she carries her bag.. looks like Min.. the way her hair is tied, resembles Min.. her shoes are same as Min's.. then.. she was putting a bottle over her eyes and face there.. and her head was bending downwards.. i kept calling Yu Min's hp.. but no one answered.. and that girl never took her hp out.. that girl really seemed to be avoiding me.. of course i followed.. that backview really looked like Min.. i couldnt smile at that time.. i was very very scared.. but I couldn't let the chance disappear before my very eyes.. i will regret.. like i am now.. i kept following until there was a stairway and a lift.. it was the way to the LRT Layar.. the girl's friends went up the lift first.. the bus stop there was deserted.. there was only a tall guy and that girl.. i pretended to go to the bus stop de.. then i walked back.. looking directly in the face of the girl.. she didnt seem to be like Yu Min.. if only i had went up and asked if she were Yu Min.. i mean.. people who see such a case.. they will ask me if im silly or not.. not being able to recognise my own girlfriend? it has been a month.. and girls change very fast within a month.. what really made me curious was.. once i was out of sight of the girl.. i received an sms from Yu Min.. she said that she was in her aunt's house and she never went to school.. true i called her and smsed her.. asking where she was.. but she didnt have to tell me she never went to school.. this really makes me very curious and i dont know if i get a chance to ask her.. i went back... but the girl was gone already..
wait.. did i mention that.. after i got off the cab.. while waiting for the traffic light to change its light, i got splashed by a water puddle, caused by another taxi? unlucky sia..
seeing that that was no one else coming out from the school as the school now seemed deserted without a sign of exuberance in it, i headed for the ice cream 'palour' and purchased a chocolate ice cream.. i know that almost everyday without fail, Min will buy ice cream.. thats why i bought ice cream too.. but silly me.. i accidentally dropped ice cream onto my shirt and pants.. whenever i smsed Min, she would tell me she's at the bus stop.. thinking now also.. her sister once told me.. she had to take a bus to Seng Kang.. then perhaps change another one to reach school.. i supposed.. she has to take a bus to Seng Kang interchange and then board the LRT to reach school.. really so mafan..
after that i called Roy and Alex.. asking both of them where we were going.. i went home.. then i was late.. we were supposed to meet at 8.50 + or something liddat.. long delay cause i was doing sth =x then i was late mah.. so i ran from my doorstep to my lift, from the lift i ran straight to the bus stop.. i sprained my ankle.. >.<
today(saturday) was an act of stupidity.. i wanted to buy strawberry earrings on maple.. a/w on forums was 3.3m .. so i told the guy i a/w it.. then upon meeting him.. he asked for 3.4m.. i was thinking its so unfair.. so we traded.. i put 3.3m and I ACCEPTED WITHOUT HIM PUTTING THE ITEM.. idiot right? he take.. zhao and log out.. after a while then he logged in again.. he greedy demanding for the 100k.. i cancel.. then i think.. i shld trade it.. at most pay 100k more.. then he said his friend say shld take 200k.. so he tried to extort 200k from me.. i told him.. fine.. he wins.. and after trading.. after getting the strawberry earrings.. i told him say.. i report u for scamming.. =x i really wanted to.. i alerted GM in the game.. and posted on forums.. after that he got really very scared.. and said that he will give me the 200k back.. he seemed polite after that =) so i edited the post on the forums.. alerting GM not always useful.. but the forum one will be there.. i removed it with a 'ty' =x
a few hours before that.. i had a stupid argument of clerics and priests.. then my jie.. Angeline.. my only jie.. she really pissed me off on maple when i was asking for Hs priest.. my whole party needed a priest.. then she was telling me.. since u say we weak.. dun find la.. i already said they were important.. and i said that 2-3 hrs before her childishness came in.. i deleted her..
this post very long rite? haha how long liao.. actually i did not have a new dear.. the dear i mentioned that day, of course isn't Yu Ting.. never met her before.. its just a hoax.. I wanted Yu Min to read my blog.. seems like she didnt.. no point.. I really love Yu Min alot.. in my whole life, my feelings for her are the most true, yet so illusionary.. she made me very very happy.. but she inflicted the most pain onto me in just a short period of aquaintancy. all my friends think i am very happy with my life.. no one really knows that i still love Yu Min alot.. perhaps no one bothers about me anymore also lol.. i really wish that the time that Wei Long wanted to hit me, will come back.. because Yu Min touched my heart so many times during that period..
i kept my pain to my heart.. i never voiced anything about Min.. my feelings for her never changed even though i know that she probably dun love me any longer.. everything was a misunderstanding.. and misunderstandings will hopefully be solved.. i hope it wont be too late when my misunderstandings with her are solved.. who knows.. maybe in my life.. Yu Min is the first girl i really loved.. now its 5.40 sharp.. more than 1 hr just to blog this lols.. I love Yu Min only leh now.. i cant speak for the future of course.. just a while ago i was viewin her school's info.. i know i really love her alot.. actually i realised my love for her.. when i was near her school.. that overwhelming feeling was not like anything i ever experienced..
4:33 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
someone thinks that i have no one who loves me.. well.. i got new dear le..
sad is sad.. and true that the new dear is not one i really love.. but sigh.. the one i love.. has misunderstandings with me and she doesnt want to clear them.. doubt she'll call me.. she dun trust me afterall..
12:00 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Thursday, March 02, 2006
I miss Yu Min.. its unbearable without her..
I used to walk on a lonely road,
without your love as my coat..
With nothing to shelter me from the storm,
Until you came into my life, wherever from.
Since you say you want to leave,
I can do nothing but grief and grief..
Thinking back how hurt I was,
Losing you is my greatest loss.. :'(
You were like the sun which beamed..
You are now the storm , it seems..
If my sincere apology will do,
I will always listen to you..
I know I have angered you too much,
Now you departed, how can you bear to leave me in the lurch?
When you advised me caringly,
I never took it seriously.
Great darling, loving, you've always been,
I made the glow of hope turn dim.
It is my fault you left me..
I wish you happy, cheerful and carefree..
12:18 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
~Reflections for relationship with Yu Min~
(sigh.. just now webpage close, retyped)
I know that Yu Min hates me alot, and the chances of her reading this is slim, but I sure wish she does. Yu Min should be the 3rd girl in my life. But she is the first girl I am writing a reflection for. No one was there for me to voice my pain and unhappiness with Si Hwee. I had to hide everything in my heart. No one understands me, and there was no one for me to trust. Yu Min was not the first girl after Si Hwee, there were many.. and one of whom was quite likely to become the one I could talk to, was Rena, who could not take it after 1 month. She said that I did not care about her, which was quite true, because I could not forget Si Hwee yet.. she was also not worth my trust. I did not even bother much about her. Of all 3 girls, Yu Min made me the happiest. I don't deny that I first met Yu Min, was on Maple. I didn't want to admit that I got a second hurting relationship from Maple. That day, I was upset with Si Hwee which resulted in me getting to know her.
Right from the start, me knowing Yu Min on Maple, somehow I felt that I know she was the special person for me. She was different. I still did like Si Hwee, but I allowed myself to fall for Yu Min. As I got to know Yu Min, I loved her more and more. Yes Love.. because I still love her, it did not fade. I cannot forget the time, in the movie theatre, I called her after the movie "Memoirs of a Geisha", just to tell her, that I love her. I know she was very touched at that time. I said those 3 precious words too many times, I won't get to touch her like that again. Loving Yu Min really made me daring, that night after the movie.. I had a quarrel with Si Hwee. Without Yu Min in my life, I would never have dared to do it. I sound like a jerk? why do people think that Si Hwee was good to me and I was nasty to her? why not the other way round? I know for sure that Yu Min thinks like this. For 5 days, my life with Yu Min was very pleasant, I loved knowing that I had her in my life. That might have been the happiest 5 days in my life after knowing Si Hwee. Then after that got Chinese New Year and such, but before Chinese New Year, I fell ill, and she was so concerned. I will never forget that.
With Yu Min, I felt so natural, so happy, felt like I really was on heaven. Having her before the first broke-up, was the best feeling I ever had in my life. I enjoyed hugging her, but I did not know she dreaded being hugged. That feeling I can never dream of having it again, maybe cause of my emotional scar. I loved Yu Min most so far in my life, but she is also the one who hurt me the deepest. It is only barely more than a month that Yu Min and I got acquainted. I never kept much of her smses, msn conversations etc. Because I thought that she and me will last forever. I honestly believed it.
Problems between me and Yu Min is, firstly she is too headstrong, yet I wanted to make her can't live without me, I was too impatient to accomplish that. I wanted that because I really wanted to last with her. Secondly is probably because I treated her too well, which girl likes submissive guys..? I also did not have enough tolerance, Yu Min lied alot to me because she was insecured, should be bah.. she should have been afraid that I would leave her. But it turned out she did not trust me. Another reason might be the age gap, whenever I was going to lose her, I would call her immature, but to be honest I don't really feel so. I loved her in the first place cause I felt she was a more mature 14 year old. I just hope she would have came back to me. Yu Min was good to me also. She would heed my advices, but the first stupid quarrel she and I had, was over the word 'patient'. Her friends all teach her wrongly. I guess don't really have a chance for me to tutor her. And it might also be because she and I seldom have the chance to go out together. What upset me is, she thought I saved the few smses of hers, to send to other people to make them think she is a bad person. No way man.. Yu Min is a good girl, but she's just too headstrong. She also wants to be loved, and she wants people to understand her. Yu Min also thinks that.. I don't really love her. She is so wrong.. =( maybe I should grant her the freedom she wants..
Sadly, Yu Min.. is a very important girl to me, but it seems that destiny has it that it is fated for me and her not to be together. I can only wish for another chance to see her. I have already decided to look for her one day. She is still my <33 I do think I like someone else. But I never give up on Yu Min because I cherish relationships. And I was writing a poem for Yu Min the day she and I broke up. I lost all inspiration after that but the first verse is this :
I used to walk on a lonely road,
without your love as my coat..
With nothing to shelter me from the storm,
Until you came into my life, wherever from.
7:56 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
I knew Fate wouldn't appear like this.
* none *
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~Mervyn~
25/05/89
firerain2o01@hotmail.com
Friendster
I wish things will go my way..
I wish for a better tomorrow!
I wish for peace.